Conversations I Never Have

-Cannibalism is the answer, man. I mean, what would you rather have in a city, graveyards or bathrooms? Bathrooms are stinky, sure, but they're completely inevitable.

-Well, yes, admittedly, that last part of your postulate is absolutely true, and the logical link between cannibalism and fecal matter vs. everyday death and graveyards is pretty accurate.

-See? It just makes sense!

-Well, I see two problems with your idea: the comparison you should be making in terms of urban infrastructure resides between graveyards and septic tanks/drainage systems.

-Yeah, but that changes nothing.

-I say it changes everything! Where would you rather go, independently of the time of night or day, a septic tank or a graveyard? Plus, you're completely forsaking cremation as a disposal method for human corpses.

-Hey wait, I'll admit it -touché- on the septic tank vs. cemetery issue, but crematoriums are massively creepy. Even to the point of being less preferable than being surrounded by shit!

-Well, that brings me to my second point. Infectious disease.

-What about it? That's what septic tanks and drainage systems avoid! Again, like the bathrooms, they HAVE to be there, whether you like it or not, unlike cemeteries and crematoriums.

-Wrong. Unless you're prepared to eat ol' uncle Jimbo after he dies of prolonged exposure to the clap.

-Huh?

-Yeah. Think about it. Cannibalism is all fine and well for healthy, recently murdered by violently applied kinetic energy stiffs, but not quite the disposal method of choice when dealing with poisoning deaths, infectious diseases or even old age. Would you give oral sex to a 79 year old woman?

-What?

-Would you?

-Would I what?

-Would you eat out some random granny?

-No... but wait. I see where you're going with this, and it's just not...

-The same? It's exactly the same, it's even worse! If you can't even go near the living parts you would've fought for 50 years earlier, why would it be appealing to eat them?

-Would you give a bull a blowjob?

-A what? Fuck you.

-I've seen you eat bull testicles. Would you let a bull teabag you?

-Listen: fuck you. I see your point, I fucked that up. However, my point still stands, you wouldn't eat an old cow, you wouldn't eat an old lady, and face it: most people die of shit you want to keep far away from your digestive system -say, buried underground, or burned up to ashes.

-Fine. I think you taste like shit anyway.

-Just shut up and carve, smartass.

Hop the Cuddleballs Diet

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Truth

Google Wave

With yet another social/professional networking tool available, I once again had a chance to meet my nemesis, Eliza the Robot Shrink. Here is a transcript of our latest tête à tête:

Eliza the Robot Shrink:

Perhaps you would like to talk about a problem?

me:

I´ve got an itch on a gonad

Eliza the Robot Shrink:

I understand!

me:

what´s wrong with me?

Eliza the Robot Shrink:

I'm not sure whether I understand you!

me:

I want my balls to stop itching!

Eliza the Robot Shrink:

You can be sure that many people want my balls to stop itching!

me:

you don´t have balls!

Eliza the Robot Shrink:

What's so absorbing about saying " me don�t have balls "?

me:

it´s not absorbing, it´s a simple statement of fact. You know what, I´ll just scratch.

Eliza the Robot Shrink:

Which answer would you prefer?

me:

I don´t know, maybe you can suggest a pomade or medicinal marihuana...

Eliza the Robot Shrink:

That's very interesting!

me:

Unlike you...

Eliza the Robot Shrink:

What does this mean for you, saying " Unlike me "?

me:

It means you´re not very interesting.

Eliza the Robot Shrink:

I understand!

There you have it! Absolute capitulation! Incidentally, copy/pasting that transcript was a pain in the ass, I had to individually do each entry. Comparing apples and oranges, I´d say Google Wave is way cooler than Twitter, but most people will be too dumb to agree.

Have a Little Ugliness

Ugly poetic ways of saying one is hungry:

• I feel a void, stretching from my teeth to my anus...
• Alas! Whereas today I shat, so tomorrow I shall only fart!
• Like high tide on a rocky beach, my gastric juices crash in waves of desolation
• His breath smelled of garlic, and his of onion; only my mouth emitted a fouler stench: that of bedridden emptiness.
• A round belly must not be a source of shame, unless it contains only Ethiopian air.
• Having long forgot
  the sublime pleasures
  of expelling feces,
  only one purpose
  can my asshole serve.
  It is buggery!
  And then, only then,
  shall I get my crack!
  

Watch Out For the Scary Dude With the Big Posse

According to Wolfram Alpha, the Population Reference Bureau estimated, back in 2002, that 106.5 billion human beings had lived on the planet since Homo sapiens first started to beat around the bush about 52,000 years ago. Since 2002, at an average of 50-something million per year, about 350 million more sorry apes have bitten the proverbial dust. Meanwhile, nearly 130 million babies have been born every year, adding another cool 900 million to the equation.

By my calculations, that puts the number of people to have ever lived at around 107.4 billion. Compared to a puny world population calculated at 6.67 billion in 2007, probably somewhere around 6.93 billion at the moment, we can in all fairness conclude that the number of dead persons exceeds the number of living persons.

Er... what I mean to say is, that once I get my zombie army rolling, the 609 million living Chinese fit for military duty will be a laughable speed bump on my road to total World domination. True, billion strong zombie armies have been attempted by others in the past, namely the Catholic Church, but I have true reason to believe that I will be the first to accomplish such a putrid, decayed and magnificently brilliant goal.

You see, by my calculations, the number of dead people will exceed the number of living people by exactly 100 billion at precisely 12:12:12 (don't ask what time zone, precognition doesn't DO time zones) on the 12th of December, 2012. If not exactly then, it will be close enough to claim as true and then have mindless masses repeating this information as if it was in any way based on adequately researched facts.

Anyway, since 100 billion is such a cool number, not to mention a shitload of dead people, added to the fact that it is a universally agreed truth that something of some sort will undoubtedly happen in 2012, I believe that the dead will arise and form themselves into a perfectly well organized Global Zombie Army under the command of yours truly.

Why me, you ask?

Simple. I thought of it first.

Own a Small Piece of HIStory

Now, for a limited time, a Boogey´s House of Pain exclusive sale for true Michael Jackson fans. The King of Pop´s nasal aids are available for sale as part of a deal set up between the Los Angeles County Coroner´s Office and Mr. Jackson´s creditors.

• Nasal aid (guaranteed to have been used by Mr. Jackson at least once) $44.95
• Nasal aid (unused) $24.95
• Add $4.95 to your order to have your nasal aid mounted on a beautiful cherry-wood stand (as shown).
  

A special auction will be held to complete the sale of the nasal aide worn by Mr. Jackson to his death and later autopsy. The starting price will be $495.00 and it will be delivered fully disinfected and cleaned once it is no longer considered evidence by the LAPD.

Offer valid while supplies last. Nasal aids can only be exchanged if buyer has not worn or otherwise used them.