Have a Little Ugliness

Ugly poetic ways of saying one is hungry:

• I feel a void, stretching from my teeth to my anus...
• Alas! Whereas today I shat, so tomorrow I shall only fart!
• Like high tide on a rocky beach, my gastric juices crash in waves of desolation
• His breath smelled of garlic, and his of onion; only my mouth emitted a fouler stench: that of bedridden emptiness.
• A round belly must not be a source of shame, unless it contains only Ethiopian air.
• Having long forgot
  the sublime pleasures
  of expelling feces,
  only one purpose
  can my asshole serve.
  It is buggery!
  And then, only then,
  shall I get my crack!
  

Watch Out For the Scary Dude With the Big Posse

According to Wolfram Alpha, the Population Reference Bureau estimated, back in 2002, that 106.5 billion human beings had lived on the planet since Homo sapiens first started to beat around the bush about 52,000 years ago. Since 2002, at an average of 50-something million per year, about 350 million more sorry apes have bitten the proverbial dust. Meanwhile, nearly 130 million babies have been born every year, adding another cool 900 million to the equation.

By my calculations, that puts the number of people to have ever lived at around 107.4 billion. Compared to a puny world population calculated at 6.67 billion in 2007, probably somewhere around 6.93 billion at the moment, we can in all fairness conclude that the number of dead persons exceeds the number of living persons.

Er... what I mean to say is, that once I get my zombie army rolling, the 609 million living Chinese fit for military duty will be a laughable speed bump on my road to total World domination. True, billion strong zombie armies have been attempted by others in the past, namely the Catholic Church, but I have true reason to believe that I will be the first to accomplish such a putrid, decayed and magnificently brilliant goal.

You see, by my calculations, the number of dead people will exceed the number of living people by exactly 100 billion at precisely 12:12:12 (don't ask what time zone, precognition doesn't DO time zones) on the 12th of December, 2012. If not exactly then, it will be close enough to claim as true and then have mindless masses repeating this information as if it was in any way based on adequately researched facts.

Anyway, since 100 billion is such a cool number, not to mention a shitload of dead people, added to the fact that it is a universally agreed truth that something of some sort will undoubtedly happen in 2012, I believe that the dead will arise and form themselves into a perfectly well organized Global Zombie Army under the command of yours truly.

Why me, you ask?

Simple. I thought of it first.

Own a Small Piece of HIStory

Now, for a limited time, a Boogey´s House of Pain exclusive sale for true Michael Jackson fans. The King of Pop´s nasal aids are available for sale as part of a deal set up between the Los Angeles County Coroner´s Office and Mr. Jackson´s creditors.

• Nasal aid (guaranteed to have been used by Mr. Jackson at least once) $44.95
• Nasal aid (unused) $24.95
• Add $4.95 to your order to have your nasal aid mounted on a beautiful cherry-wood stand (as shown).
  

A special auction will be held to complete the sale of the nasal aide worn by Mr. Jackson to his death and later autopsy. The starting price will be $495.00 and it will be delivered fully disinfected and cleaned once it is no longer considered evidence by the LAPD.

Offer valid while supplies last. Nasal aids can only be exchanged if buyer has not worn or otherwise used them.

Fear Is the Only Appropriate Response

The Swedish Space Program´s first recruitment initiative proved to be a crippling failure.

Uh, Anyone Seen Any Hot Young Meth Addicts Around?

Nuke Karachi!

The end of the Cold War brought with it a feeling of rest, an acknowledgment that the possibility of nuclear war had been once and for all averted. These ideas were really nice for about five minutes, until the number of nuclear states started multiplying. In 1991, the Soviet Union, the United States, the United Kingdom, France and China openly had nuclear weapons, with Israel holding on to a "secret" nuclear stockpile. Less than 20 years later, (historically speaking, a pretty short period) India, Pakistan and North Korea have joined the club, and Iran is either close to building a weapon or just hasn't had the balls to try one out yet.

As with any other readily available weapon, the question of whether they will be used in warfare becomes more of a when than an if. Considering the effectiveness of tactical vs. strategic nuclear warfare, especially for countries that choose a nuclear program over, say, building hospitals, it becomes clear that nuclear weapons will be used against cities. Launching mini-nukes from howitzers is fine and well if you've got 2,000 warheads on ICBMs back home and you're aiming at a mile wide column of Russian tanks advancing on a wide-open German field, but if you've got 2 nukes and your enemy has 10 times your population, it's bye-bye Bombay.

To help out our XXIst Century generals decide exactly which of the World's 10 largest cities they will decimate, I've devised a modest little points system. Just like the Bernina Designer 1000 sowing machine, its beauty lies in its simplicity. The city with the most points is the one that is most nukable, from an ethical standpoint*. The top 10 most populated cities per-se were chosen, rather than the 10 largest metropolitan areas, not only because Karachi only appears on the former list, but because large municipalities have larger concentrations of population, thus making them better military targets (this is merely a statistical matter, of use only to those inclined towards mass slaughter of civilians).

To avoid boring the shit out of anyone who hasn't already claimed bored shitless status after three paragraphs of senseless banter, I'll avoid describing the points system in its entirety and rather stick to the principles. Cities in countries with nuclear weapons will get shitloads of points, more so if they have a higher risk of political instability that'll get the nukes in the hands of people even more stupid than those who decided to build them in the first place. Just so you know, only 4 of the World's 10 largest cities are not in a nuclear state. So we'll just have to let Sao Paulo, Mexico City, Seoul and Istambul live. Maybe not Istambul, since it's under the NATO nuclear umbrella, and for that matter, it's somewhat naïve to think Seoul is not a candidate for nuclear destruction.

Moving on, it's also nice to think that the nuked city won't necessarily be the most populated, just because being willing to murder 8,000,000 innocent people doesn't mean one would be willing to murder 10,000,000. After all, we're talking about generals here, not savages. As such, the strategist behind 21st century nuclear warfare will be someone with great and deep appreciation for the cultural and economic achievements of humanity, so cities with great monuments or economic clout are off limits.

Let's face it, no reasonable nuke yielding great leader would nuke any city other than Karachi. It's not that there's anything wrong with Karachi in particular, it's just not as big as Mumbai, not as historically significant as Beijing, not as pretty as Moscow, and no one would be stupid enough to waste a nuke on Sao Paulo or Mexico City. I'm very sorry for all Karachians, or however they're called (see? I bet no one knows what to call them, that's how much we all give a shit about Karachi!) but they're just gonna have to take one for the team. Besides, serves them right for giving their city such a silly name.

* If you don't find having an ethical standpoint regarding the choice of civilian targets for nuclear warfare funny, you're either dead or a vegan.

Slack Jawed Wisdom

I was thinkin'... I hate them fruity bastards who gone done an invented words ain't got no meanin' to them. My whole durn family be clappin' to the lean-guest (that's some-un makes up words for a livin') done come up with the word, "chair". What'd we be parkin' our asses on otherwise? Then the dude that's gone and said, "outhouse" for the first time... 'nuff said 'bout him!

Then you get that dang fruitcake Yankee teabaggin' sonufagun gone thought of "metaphysical". I ain't got nuthin' to say 'bout words don't be havin' no meanin' of their own. The only thing dumber than not namin' somethin' you can touch is namin' somethin' ain't exist anyways.