After repeated threats on my life by various groups, most of which, ironically, are in theory dedicated to the preservation of human life and, not so ironically, to the expansion of religious beliefs, I have decided to give them what they want. Since the suggested methods of termination were not agreeable with my strict moral code (nor with the laws of physics, for the most part) I have chosen five different alternate methods for my readers to choose from.
To further illustrate why I chose not to humor my avid readers by strictly following their instructions, here are some excerpts from their kind missives:
"fuck you. if you dont like the south your not invited anyways i hope you fuckin die. i can kill you with my truck chain you to the back and drag you around like a nigger. check this out! 8====D im not even going to read your bullshit there are probably words in there that are far too large for me to understand woof!"
Scott, VA
"May our Lord have mercy on your soul. If it were up to me, a triad of angels would rip every molecule of your being into shreds and take them far from our Earth, the center of our Creator's Universe. Alas! I am human and so I err, I shall lash myself for giving in to wrath. Oh how I long for the days when the Lord's voice was heard and His commands followed through our Holy Institutions!"
Joseph, Rome
"You dickless Jew. Come to Karachi and I'll stick a nuke up your ass."
Mahmoud, Karachi
Clearly, trading my BMW for a pickup truck was not an option, these days the Inquisition just simply doesn't pack the punch it used to, and everybody knows that nukes don't fit inside colons. I mean, duh. Besides, I'm not a Jew, and I do have a dick.
So, here are the options I offer my kind fans. These options come with a pledge: insofar as I, Boogey A. Goldman, am a flesh and blood human being and can legally prove to be who I say I am, I shall forthright carry on one (1) or several (several) of the acts hereafter depicted in such a way that inhibits the person legally known as Boogey A. Goldman from exhibiting any further indications or signs of life, as understood by its biological definition.
Feel free to browse through these Technicolor depictions of my forthcoming suicide. Sadly, I won't be able to display the real thing so artistically, since I find webcasts to be in poor taste and post-suicidal photography hasn't been invented yet, much to the chagrin of us all. In order to help me choose the prevailing approach towards the mother of all self inflicted wounds, I ask that you make use of the comments section and cast your vote. The polls are open! Feel free to discuss they whys and wherefores of your choice!
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| Shall I squirt man-ketchup? |
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Should I try my luck as a decorative ceiling fixture?
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| Maybe try out the ancient Japanese art of Bukkake... er... Seppuku? |
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| This might come more naturally to me, since it would just entail combining what I do on weekdays with what I do on weekends. |
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| Or just go out with a bang? |
1 comments:
I would go with the light fixture if I were you. Just try to tilt the chair over next time.
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